The Discussion Continues: Loren Hunt on 80’s Rapesax (Or In This Case, Rapepiano)

“She’s just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say
Separated by fools
Who don’t know what love is yet
But I want you to know

If I could fly
I’d pick you up
I’d take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you’ve never seen, ever seen”

Since there is no existing video for this to be found readily on
YouTube, you’re going to have to use your imagination along with the
album cover to recreate the foggy neon greasy-puddlescape that Benny
Mardones is walking through while coming up with ways to make
statutory rape sound like the greatest love of all. I don’t recall any
rapesax in this song, but there is certainly rapepiano, which sounds
like some sort of not-yet-invented salad green but is in actuality THE
CREEPIEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE. This rapepiano brings up visuals of
fake-Victorian brocade curtains blowing in the open window of an oily,
minimally-decorated bachelor pad as Benny’s poufy mullet flops
dramatically over the piano keys and he contorts in the blue-balled
agony of what I am 99% certain he would refer to casually as “his
situation.” This is what’s happening when he’s not walking through the
puddlescape of the video that may or may not exist somewhere but is
for reasons inexplicable not available to us. My ovaries are in my
throat as I write this. God, I hope he left her alone.

Which brings us to:

So, by authority of all the episodes of Criminal Minds episodes that
I’ve seen, I’m pretty sure that boy WASN’T right. Did you see the part
where he set his own house on fire after it was implied that his dad
died in a war and his mom became a hooker? It’s hard to dramatize
bedwetting and hurting animals without getting into some kind of
trouble, but you know he did those things too. That’s the psycho
killer warning sign trinity. I know things. You can’t fool me, Marx.

Major bonus points for the little inquisition reenactment in the
middle. They think you did it because you did, not because you were a
sensitive child growing up in some sort of generic midwestern non-town
prone to doing things even as an adult like sitting by the bank of a
river crying and cutting your mullet off.

This just proves to me that the tenets of Rapesax 80s are not purely
urban in nature. They rely more on this overruling aesthetic that
people who do creepy shit are somehow more interesting than the rest
of us, perhaps even sympathetic. As evidence, I give you the video
that even as an eight year old, I knew enough to feel dirty watching:


2 thoughts on “The Discussion Continues: Loren Hunt on 80’s Rapesax (Or In This Case, Rapepiano)

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