Dear Thanksgiving (preferably deep-fried) turkey consuming public: we, your Daily Miltonians, salute you. We salute your mashed potatoes, your casserole, your screaming children, your pathetic Jets, your sinister Cowboys. We salute a lifetime of calamity and obligation, compressed into one single day and cheeseclothed over with sentiment (we do, we love it). We only half-heartedly salute cranberries. We salute pumpkin pie made from yellow squash. We salute your gravy but we only salute the most basic of stuffings. We salute Stove Top, for example. We do not, however, salute “fancy” type stuffing that includes, say, dear God raisins. We salute vegetarians, but never, ever, will you find us saluting a Tofurky. Sorry, Tofurky. Sorry Turducken.
Wait hold on — see, let us disclose something here: this is the first ever Miltonian post written by the entire Miltonian staff. While you gather round the table, we gather round the Cray-1 Supercomputer.
You should feel doubly privileged on this, the most American of holidays. The picture above is the first known photograph of the FSD Happy Valley NW adjunct office. We’re happy here, and not just because of all the free booze and turkey. Anyway, it was Renee the Secretary who suggested Turducken. Which is–Renee?
Renee: Turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.
FSD: That sounds fucking insane.
Renee: It’s tasty.
There you have it. Welcome to America, you shifty Canadian. We don’t trust you.