Portland Water Bureau Provides Free Publicity For Vandals

That’s right! All you have to do to get your name and your picture up in lights is put some bubble bath in a Portland fountain. Repeat after me, celebrity hopefuls: “I was tryin’ to bathe the homeless! You fascists!”

The Portland Water Bureau’s blog (yes, it’s true) will then provide you with a free publicity headshot and description of your crimes, thus ensuring mad props for weeks, slightly more frequent sex, and probable unemployability.

 Newly famous.

Here’s Nolan Cunningham!

Nolan put some detergent–not bubble bath, unfortunately–in the Ira Keller Fountain, which is basically a Portland Mecca for kids who like to yell a lot and slip on rocks.

I'm Portland and you're not.

God, life is pretty sometimes. Isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to bathe here, as do Indians in the Ganges, or Romans in the filth of their swine?

Which brings us to the crux of the issue. Future celebrities: there are some other Portland fountains we would like to bathe in. Fort Saint Davids needs cleansing. Some examples below:

Lovejoy Fountain:

Love! Joy!

Salmon Street Springs:

Like the scene in Rambo.

Peninsula Park:

Roses!

We’ve got a vigilante Water Bureau–a proud one–and the cleanest drinking water outside of New York City. So you’ve got a lot of work to do.

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