FSD Exclusive: Flom’s Spidey Cover Story

You missed him too, huh? Yeah, you and me both, pal. Well here goes: R. Cement Flom, discussing his most memorable Spidey cover…alrighty, take it away, Flom!

Where did I get this? Lessee. Possibly SCHOOL. I certainly didn’t buy it. I’m pretty darn sure that Marvel (in conjunction with the National Children’s Group for the Prevention of Kids Who Want To Smoke Starting To Smoke Because It Causes Cancer And Bad Breath Association of America) printed approximately 46 billion copies of this crummy comic because you still see it all the time in boxes of comics that nobody wants. Nobody wants it because this comic is stupid with not-great-art. I’m pretty sure I already had other Spider-Man comics — good ones — by the time this entered my orbit so even a fool like me (age 10?) wasn’t fooled. The story must have been dumb because I don’t remember it but we’re focusing on covers and this cover stinks. It seems to star Power-Man (remember when he had that shitty name?) and Storm so there are at least 200% more black people in this one than in a normal issue but you can’t blame its shittiness on that (or the Black Community at large) because those are both perfectly fine characters who are often seen in great mags still to this day. Unless they killed off Luke Cage (I don’t read ’em no more). No, you can blame the shittiness of this comic on white people because you’ll notice from the cover that the villain is none other than a caucasian (Spider-Man you can’t tell due to skin-covering costume but even your dog knows Spidey is lilywhite) and that villain (Smokeface) is the real reason why this comic blows. His costume is terrible (looks a little like the Swordsman but NO SWORD) and the thing he’s doing with his hands is stupid because he’s acting like he’s causing all that smoke when clearly hands don’t cause smoke, smoking causes smoke. And that’s the other reason why this comic sucks hard: it’s about how you shouldn’t smoke. The bad guy, if I remember correctly, isn’t even a smoker (he doesn’t use second-hand smoke to kill his enemies, that would take too long and they would complain or leave the room or open a window). He’s a guy who thinks cigarettes are a great way for kids to die. So he gets kids to smoke. Including the kids on this cover who are athletes so all the more reason they shouldn’t smoke. Spider-Man is just hanging there like a jerk probably because the smoke doesn’t bother him thanks to his mask but shouldn’t he be helping those kids? They’ll cough their faces off if he doesn’t get them out of there. But Smokescreen (the villain — that’s his name, I was kidding before) is the ultimate in stupid because he has a PUFF OF SMOKE on his chest and I’m pretty sure it says “SS” on it — not because of Nazi enthusiasm (no, that would actually make him somewhat of a cool villain) but because of his stupid name. But it should just be one S because “smokescreen” is one word. But then DC would sue because of Superman. The other reason this comic sucks is because Storm and Luke Cage aren’t even on the cover unless you’re talking their heads but I don’t because in comics bodies count, too. This comic is so shitty that I’ve been smoking at least a pack a day for eleven years and you should too just to show Marvel what a bad job they did. If you have a copy you should get some loose tobacco and smoke a big cig that you made out of THIS VERY COMIC BOOK.


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