Daily Miltonian Gives You: 50 Items

  1. Marvel’s Big Event this summer is called WORLD WAR HULK. Basically this: the Hulk got exiled into space. They tried to put him on a peaceful planet where he wouldn’t hurt anyone but the ship went off course and instead crash landed on an extremely violent planet of slaves ruled by dictators. Guess what: Hulk beat the shit out of everyone and took over the planet. Now he’s coming back to Earth and he’s going to fight, well, everyone. What more do you want out of a bloated, epic, Summer Crossover? Like Wild Al put it: “Marvel rules. They kill Cap, put Tony Stark in charge of everything, and have Hulk come back from space to fight the whole planet. Awesome. Summer”
  2. DC’s follow up to the weekly 52 is called Countdown. It’s also weekly. And it’s got Mary Marvel. Oh hell yes.
  3. Is Captain America really dead?
  4. Our favorite bridge so far, here in Portland, is the Fremont Bridge. Because it looks very serious and majestic and when you drive in a car across it you feel not so serious but definitely majestic, and below you see the Willamette River and the city and ports and hills and homes and light and it all feels really good.
  5. We really gotta quit Myspace but I think we all gotta quit together.
  6. We’ll all exchange addresses and buy Star Wars stamps and just write each other all the time.
  7. Wild Al suggests you pop on a baseball hat, toss on your fave players jersey, toss a glove underneath your arm and head out to left field.
  8. Personally I’m not sure what to do about following baseball this summer. Should I give a fuck about the Mariners?
  9. More from Al: “Nothing like being caught up in the madness of an night game in the upperdeck…sold out…you get it…take me out to a ball game bro!
  10. What are your plans for summer? Are we too old to have “plans” for summer?
  11. Or rather, are we just too poor. Like if we were one of those Old Money couples, we’d “summer” somewhere, right baby? Like hey honey, should we “summer” in the Cote d’Azur this summer?
  12. Maybe we should all “summer” this summer, regardless of how much cash we have in our pockets. We’ll call it the Summer of Summering.
  13. If it was around 2100 BC, we would be Sumerians, and thus we would Summer in Sumer. How cool would that be?
  14. Now, I swear by the sun god Utu on this very day — and my younger brothers shall be witness of it in foreign lands where the sons of Sumer are not known, where people do not have the use of paved roads, where they have no access to the written word — that I, the firstborn son, am a fashioner of words, a composer of songs, a composer of words, and that they will recite my songs as heavenly writings, and that they will bow down before my words……”
  15. That was King Shulgi, regarding the future of Sumerian literature.
  16. “…after the boys of Sumer are gooooone…!”
  17. Ok I’ll stop.
  18. Every Monday I meet with a couple of fellow literary practitioners and drink affordable beer. They call this event the “Fools Cap Excelsior.” They’re good dudes, great writers, and a fine reason to look forward to Monday.
  19. I gotta get a bird book. There are so many cool birds here that I’ve just never seen before, and dammit I don’t know the name for a single one.
  20. Gotta figure out the names of the native plants too.
  21. Trying to quit smoking isn’t easy, but you knew that already. I’m still puffing on a few a day but goddamn are my nerves rattled. I got in a nasty fight over G-Chat today with Loren Hunt, and man do I feel bad about it.
  22. Holy shit do you even realize that we’re like THIS close Spider-Man 3??!?!?!? DO YOU?!?!
  23. If we’re pals it’s no secret how much I flip over Summer Blockbusters. All winter long it’s dark, dense, deep, only showing at a small theater, and often has subtitles. But when summer comes along all I want to see is shit blow up.
  24. Five Most Important Things When Seeing a Summer Blockbuster:
  25. 1 — Buttery popcorn.
  26. 2 — Soda, preferably Cherry Coke.
  27. 3 — Goobers, which (trust me) go with buttery popcorn better than anything on the entire planet. Just try it before you say anything else.
  28. [Quick side note: is it me or are movie theaters the only place you can even get Goobers these days?]
  29. 4 — The moment when the room goes dark right before the previews come on.
  30. 5 — The previews.
  31. Also this summer! Fantastic Four 2! Transformers! Hell, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, why not?! Summer Blockbusters!
  32. Sometimes, at night, riding my bike down a perfect decline, past flowers that smell like bubblegum and trees so minty-fresh that it feels like air itself is brushing my teeth, I get this crazy free feeling that I can’t even explain, although I wish I could. It’s like if I pushed a button on the bike I could actually fly up into space towards that big old silvery crazed moon. A la E.T.
  33. Jenn P. thinks we’re Soul Mates thanks to the Last Unicorn. She’s probably right.
  34. My mom sent me the rest of my clothes in the mail yesterday (99% of my possessions are currently in her basement in Wilmington, DE). The clothes smell like my mom washed them. How is it that no matter how old we get, or how good we get at using the right amount of detergent or fabric softener or whatever, that we can still never get our clothes to smell like our mom washed them? Anyhow my mom hasn’t washed my clothes since like ’92. So I put on a clean shirt and then I put on “Nevermind” by Nirvana and opened up an old copy of Uncanny X-Men and oh yeah, I was there.
  35. I’m on a plain. I can’t complain.
  36. You know what bothers me? When you run into someone you knew from Philly, but you run into them here in Portland, and dude is like all nonchalantly “Oh hey man.” I mean, the coincidence that we’d run into each other 3000 miles from home, goddamn I can’t tell you how much this bums me out. Get excited! Coincidence! The happenstance, serendipity, pure Fate of this Magic Life that we’re Living. Get into it asshole! Or get off my Planet!
  37. What made me say I’d write 50 of these things. 50 is a lot. I’m running out of ideas. More coffee.
  38. Goddamn this is good coffee. Stumptown I love you.
  39. Can you believe that years and years later, the McSweeney’s site is still there? And it looks exactly the same! Is that brave or just dumb? Does anyone read it any more? Remember when you did? Oh come on it’s years later, you can now admit that you did. Everyone did, then. But now? Who?
  40. People tell me you can see owls around here. What I wouldn’t give to see an owl right about now. Once, with my friend Laura, I saw a hawk flying over downtown. Saw a vulture too. That was cool alright. But an owl! I wanna wanna wanna see an owl. Make it happen, please.
  41. The new Dinosaur Jr. is actually pretty damn fun.
  42. Finally! Only one more to go, better make it good.
  43. Good. I mean goodnight!
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One thought on “Daily Miltonian Gives You: 50 Items

  1. re: #11
    After your week’s residence in Cincinnati, you’re a committed lifelong Reds fan.

    re: #46
    Find the Oregon wowl sanctuary, visit, post pics.

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