The Many Bizarro and Jokey Mad Tonies

Fort Saint Davids’ pal Mad Tony has more Jokey and Bizarro versions than anyone else that we know, but ever since he moved back to Staten Island, they too seem to have gone missing from the streets of Philadelphia. Did the Bizarro Mad Tonies follow him to freak out his NYC friends too? What’s the deal? In order to get to the bottom of this, we’ve decided to go on a mission to find these guys – if we can’t have Mad Tony the living legend back, maybe we can have these Jokeys to serve as a constant reminder of him. The following is the complete list of all the Bizarro Mad Tonies followed by a brief description. Let us know if you can help.  Restraints may be used.

  • Mad Phony – Complete fake. Sort of resembles Mad Tony, but he’s got angular features and looks real snively.
  • Mad Lonely – Only seen in the vicinity of 24th and Lombard, always on foot solo. Was once seen openly weeping. Looks somewhat sadder than MT.
  • Mad Homey – Has a natural like MT but the beard is super trim and clean.
  • Mad Cloney – Has actually been mistaken for MT himself on more than one occassion and hangs out in the Libs, Fishtown, and the “loft district” all the time, just like the real MT did.
  • Mad Bony – Has all the same features as MT and same hair and gear, but looks swollen from bulimia. Possibly on heavy meds.
  • Mad Stoney – You know the ticket office next door to Fadó near 15th and Locust? Up until recently, the guy had a portrait of an old Philadelphia Flyer up on the wall holding a big huge trophy, but it kinda looked like the guy had no idea what it was. We always imagined that he’d greet us delightedly in a Dr. Gonzo type way as we’d walk by, ‘WOOAAAAH MAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS TROPHY BUT CHECK ME OUT MAN WHERE AM I? GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE MAAAN!” Mad Stoney is like the love child of that guy and MT.
  • Mad Baloney – Pretty similar to Mad Phoney.
  • Mad Groany – Some schizo homeless dude who hangs out around the weird Jefferson dead zone. We don’t really think he speaks English.
  • Mad Coney – One time one of MT’s buddies from Gravesend came down to visit – he looked and acted almost exactly like Mad Tony. We were like, “yo, are youze related?” The guy even shared MT’s penchant for the Triple Hot Dog from Geno’s.
  • Mad Throney – This Bizarro MT loves that one Burger King at 8th and Market and we used to see him all the time there.
  • Mad Cronies – This is a full group of like 3 Mad Tonies that are always only seen together and always look like they’re up to no good.
  • Mad Pwney – First encountered on the Antiboard, we didn’t really know much about him besides his argumentative nature until we saw his old Friendster profile pics and we had to ask MT himself if he had been picking fights on Philly ex-punk yuppie hispster message boards.

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