ARIES: Sometimes all it takes is a nice big red Gatorade to change your perspective on things that you can’t change in other ways. Plus, it replenishes electrolytes if you’ve been extra-sweaty lately from dealing with the fast pace of your life these days. Some people say that Gatorade is bad for you and that you should really drink Vitamin Water instead. To these people, Aries, you need to say, “God. Why are you such a product of your own marketing demographic? You’re being preyed on. The people with the money are laughing at you. If this shit was good enough for me in third-grade intramural soccer camp, it’s good enough for me now.” I suspect that there are many things in your life right now that follow this principle, Aries: what was good for you then probably still works now. You just need to figure out which things these are. And seriously, drink a Gatorade.

TAURUS: You’ve been spending a lot of time reevaluating your life and the people in it lately, Taurus, even if it hasn’t been clear until this week that that’s what was going on. Pet grudges, old sources of stress, and fears that have outgrown their immediacy dissipate quietly, and you don’t miss them. You feel supported and valued by those who matter, and for once, everyone else matters much, much less. There might be a moment of holy-shit epiphany about this, but more likely it will manifest more in a general feeling of peace and contentment… which is meant to be your natural state. Congratulations, Taurus. It took a lot to get you there.

GEMINI: “Do not think, beloved, that names greet the known,” poet Karen Volkman warns Gemini this week. This is because you are often more concerned with naming what you think is known than you are with actually knowing it, leaving you with an incomplete picture. Over the next few months, pay attention to both Scorpio horoscopes and the Scorpios in your life, because they have things to teach you. The dark, subconscious dwellings where Scorpio is right at home seem to a Gemini like Shakespearean miching mallecho of the worst kind. But Geminis need to expand their consciousness this year if they wish to locate the few names that do greet the known: not up or out, but down and in.

CANCER: Everyone has an opinion about what you should do. But what you should do is, in your own head anyway, already done. When people realize this, they’ll start clawing at your hair and clothing for a personal souvenir of something they think they have a stake in. Well… do they, or don’t they? This is your question for the week, Cancer.

LEO: You are hating the shit out of Christmas Carols this week, which is funny because after Thanksgiving you were one of the few people enjoying them. Being a Leo, you don’t like life-disruptions that aren’t about you, something to which everyone can at least somewhat relate. You can get through this, though, if you just indefinitely delay the part where you get publicly cranky about it.

VIRGO: You’re Bob Fosse staging his own death scene in the film “All That Jazz.” It’s the kind of thing only you could get right, after all, even if it’s sort of strange behavior for someone who wants to live as badly as a typical Virgo. It’s not about death this week, but creation in the face of an idea of death that’s been breathing down your neck and demanding not only its due consideration, but something of a celebration: the psychological manifested as the outrageously physical… dance routines, flashing lights, avant-garde cuts, the whole Fosse treatment. You’ve done it your way, now your concerns turn to leaving something amazing behind. Not because you’re actually dying, but because life’s short, time’s a-wasting, and… it’s showtime!

LIBRA: You know those pink travel Kleenex you carry around in your back pocket? Well, take one out and clean yourself up, pretty. It won’t be late night on Maudlin Street forever. Librans are obsessed with balance, but not always to an end rooted in their own best interest. This time of year dredges up a whole host of old friends, old memories, and old baggage for everyone, made even more uncomfortable by the idea that this is supposed to be a universally good thing. Libra is inclined to balance this out by weeping copiously every time they hear “Little Drummer Boy.” Your emotions are closer to the surface than usual this week, but perhaps it would put things into better perspective if you knew that you’re reacting to a bigger picture as opposed to anything actually amiss in your life. Let it all out, Libra.

SCORPIO: You’re Jim Morrison riding the snake. The snake, in your case, is not drugs, but a long, slithering, metaphysical muscle of some creepy kinda shit the rest of us probably don’t want to know about. This works out well, because you’re inclined to keep this sort of thing quiet anyway. You’re not being purposefully shady so much as dealing with something really difficult to articulate: paying close attention to the raw, intuitive twinges of movement that occur way down at the bottom of your private universe when something big has begun to happen.

SAGITTARIUS: You would be Mickey Rourke as Henry Chinaski in “Barfly” braying about “all [your] frieeeeeennnnnnds!” in the bar nonstop if only there wasn’t so much to do the next morning. Your life as a Sag, though, is notoriously charmed: hangovers are banished by a Jupiter-sized onslaught of wondrous gratitude: you’re not only grateful for all your friends, the bottle of fine whiskey lying on the floor beside you, whatever’s playing on the stereo, and the crisp, clear, not-too-cold weather we’ve been having, but also whatever it is you have to wake up early for: your work, your business contacts, your slice of the grown-up pie you’d been so reluctant to partake in earlier this year. Like Chinaski, you may be called upon to issue a righteous fuck-off to someone or something that you deem unworthy of this gratitude. But life is good, Sagittarius, and whatever else happens this week, it’s unlikely that you’ll forget it.

CAPRICORN: At first glance, your taciturn ruling planet, Saturn, in the excessive sign of Sagittarius, would seem to be a recipe for disaster. In ancient Roman mythology, however, Sagittarius’ ruler Jupiter was pretty much Saturn’s boss-man–and Saturn respects the boss-man’s authority way more than the boss-man gives a shit himself. This week, it’s like Jupiter is not only being Saturn’s typically cool boss, but he wants to hang out. He stops by the cubicle with an enormous water-bong and a tangle of multicolored Christmas lights for a little color. “We never talk,” says Jupiter to Saturn, a bit plaintively. “You work too hard.” A few hits and some ready-made ambience has Saturn-ruled Capricorn saying, “No, man, I like… love you, man. You’re the best.” When Saturn realizes that there’s no way he can finish his project while this fucking stoned, Jupiter waves his arms expansively and says, “Fuuuuuuck it.” Cue up the Sinatra for a little soft-shoe routine.

AQUARIUS: It’s okay, I appreciate you, Aquarius.

PISCES: ‘Tis the season for creative philanthropy, Pisces. More than ever, you seek to make yourself useful to those truly in need. If you were a homeless person, what would you want for Christmas? Chances are, a homeless person will be happy with whatever you have to give them, Pisces, but with your usual flair for the appropriate detail, you want to get it just right. Maybe this week you’ll put on your best clothes and walk around with your iPod, asking those less fortunate than you if there are any songs they’d like to hear in private since they’re resigned to shivering on the sidewalk anyway. It’ll be something like that.


2 thoughts on “Lorenscopes

  1. I only ran across Charles Bukowski references when I saw “Born Into This” on Comcast in October. So, I had to trace around the Barfly reference a bit. I much prefer Capricorn’s lorenscope to my own (actually my own two), especially since I already have the Sinatra cued.

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