Your Weekly Lorenscopes

ARIES: There’s a slapstick, cornball quality to the single-minded depth of your latest obsession this week, Aries. Your ruling planet, Mars, alights in Sagittarius early this week, which contributes to the sudden feeling that all of your blindsided sturm und drang is more comical in nature than tragic. Your sign and Sagittarius are old comrades; Mars and Jupiter in ancient Roman myth were the kinds of gods who did things like start wars together, laugh, and high-five. If Mars started a war by itself, it would be really serious, but Jupiter’s Old-Sport backslapping adds this totally inappropriate, Rodney Dangerfield-esque kind of humor to even the most violent of hobbies. Hey, is it me or do I just smell a rat in here? Meanwhile, other people’s stuff explodes.

TAURUS: In the process of swatting at the pesky psychic mosquitoes scared out of the bushes by the Gemini full moon tonight, Taureans might be forced to step outside of their safe little boxes this week. Taurus is a fixed earth sign; stubbornly attached to familiar routines, habits, and thoughts. Gemini energy is scattered, inconsistent, and somewhat schizoid in nature; presenting new ideas and situations at a furious pace that doesn’t seem aimed at any one specific objective. To a Taurus, this influence feels like watching too much MTV or babysitting an ADD two-year old who got into the crack jar. The upside of this, Taurus, is that you often require being driven absolutely bats hit crazy in order to even like, move. I think the planets are suggesting that you move. Even if it’s just a pinkie finger.

GEMINI: Go find a Taurus to irk. Tell them their sandwich isn’t as good as they think it is and duck for cover. Shriek out seven new recipes for other sandwiches they might try from your hiding place under the table, giggling like a demented gnome. Run out from under the table long enough to flick them on the forehead, then hide again, chanting voodoo charms. Invent a special little Christmas-carol medley just for them that changes as you go along and regale them with it tirelessly for as long as your voice holds out.

CANCER: Cancers don’t like Gemini up in the business of their ruling planet, the moon, any more than Taureans do. Instead of being annoyed, though, Cancers this week are more likely to withdraw into solitude. And unlike Taureans, they don’t have anything overly important to learn from it this time. So sit this one out, Cancer: take the bubble bath. Read the sleazy true crime novel. Eat some cinnamon toast. Clear your head, think your own thoughts, and focus on not being influenced by anything besides your own plans. You’re grown. You do what you want.

LEO: Someone has to be the adult around here this week, Leo, and it looks like you’ve been named The Designated. Why would the planets do this to you? Because you’re being given the chance to exercise the good part of your oft-maligned character: integrity. We need you to clean up the puke and pick up the broken glass and keep Uncle Edgar out of both the moonshine and the hot tub where girls in their underwear are making out. It falls on you this week, Leo, not only because there is a need in direct proportion to your abilities, but because the fuel in your smug tank has been running low lately. And we hate to see you like that.

VIRGO: Isn’t it interesting how just when you feel most like whining about all the things that are wrong with your life, people just don’t seem to want to hear it?

LIBRA: Since Librans tend to be easily influenced by those around them, it is entirely possible that someone else’s stupid buzz-phrase (that Libra would ordinarily laugh at) might become part of their own vocabulary this week. That is, unless they use the immense amount of insight and energy the planets are sending their way this week to rub off some of the bullshit that’s trying to transfer itself onto their everyday vernacular. Remember, real friends don’t let friends say “PLUR.”

SCORPIO: Jupiter arrived in Scorpio’s house of money during the last week of November and stays until the end of this month. Since Jupiter’s influence on any house is outsized, extravagant, and extremely generous, Scorpios should be rubbing their hairy little palms together in glee over this news. The operative words being “should be.” There’s a chance that some Scorpios feel as though they simply can’t muster up anything close to glee, let alone hairy-palmed glee. It’s been a rough few months for Scorpio, planet wise. After a long period of feeling completely dormant, this week’s cosmos suggest that while there is a time to endure, there is also a time to collect the payoffs. To paraphrase one of my favorite now-defunct turn-of-the-century bands, Hefner: You should pull up your socks, Scorpio. You should be calling in the favors. You should be putting in the hours. You should pull yourself together.

SAGITTARIUS: Sags everywhere put on their best negligee or smoking jacket to wait for the arrival of one of their favorite planets early this week: Mars. All the other planets showed up at the Sagittarius party last month, but Mars chose to arrive fashionably late. Mars shouldn’t worry about being bitch-slapped, though: If any sign knows what noblesse oblige means, it’s Sagittarius, who probably invented it in the first place. Another term probably invented to describe an activity Sagittarians are fond of is bogart, a verb that means, in popular parlance, to consume more than one’s fair share, usually in reference to street drugs. Well, Sagittarius is bogarting the planets this month, with all of the sign’s usual noblesse oblige. Mars joins Jupiter, the Sun, Mercury, and Pluto in celebrating one big month-long birthday orgy for Sag. Hide the lampshades, Dad, it’s gonna get live!

CAPRICORN: Unlike some of us, Capricorns have this thing called a job. Some of them even have three or four jobs. At these jobs, they perform duties, sometimes exhausting ones that take up not only most of their time, but their energy as well. And no, they’re not going to call out of said job(s) just because someone else thinks they should hang out instead. While the full moon in Gemini and the five-planet celebration going on in Sagittarius this week may inspire some of the other signs to say fuck it and go hog-wild, Capricorn just wants to catch up on sleep. They’ll come out anyway, of course, since they like proving that they can do everything. But if Cap hasn’t been getting enough rest at home, we may find them curled up on the jacket pile in the corner, moaning something that really did sound a whole lot like, “whips… chains… scat… please fuck my wife,” in between peaceful snores. Let’s all just pretend we didn’t hear that.

AQUARIUS: This sign is not one known for its passionate involvement with any aspect of life as we know it. Aquarians prefer to keep their heads above churning emotional turmoil in order to think pleasant thoughts about pirate islands, fairy groves, genies in bottles, and whatever commonly adhered-to social tradition they’re going to flout next. This week, though, the planets create a lot of free-floating emotional static in Aquarius’ chart. Everything suddenly feels like a Victorian love-triangle or a rebel cause: overblown and not without an element of the ridiculous, but impossible to ignore. This phase acts as a purging agent to get rid of some of the Aquarian ambivalence that’s been causing you to spin your wheels.

PISCES: There are two ways this week could go for you, Pisces. You’re either going to join up with the merrymakers or be totally miserable. The only engraved invitation that’s been printed for the ongoing, impromptu Sagittarius party has been sent to your residence with all its t’s crossed if you’re up for it. If not, Cancer shares its chocolate.

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