Daily Miltonian is Jump-Up-And-Down Giddy and Beaming-Smile Proud To Introduce Our Latest Feature: Horoscopes by Loren!

Alright Loren, here’s the mic. They’re all yours!


ARIES: You just want to buy the world a shot, don’t you? This week, you’ll have no problem dreaming up new ways to spend money. If you do, your friends and loved ones will be more than willing to help you out in this regard. Suzie wants new sneakers, and she wants you to have the same pair so that you guys can match. This is adorable, no? It’s almost as adorable as when Timmy calls you to say that he’s broken up with his girlfriend and is a broken man in more ways than one, being unable to afford even a single beer. “C’est la vie!” you’ll find yourself saying, “It’s just money!” This is true, Aries, but I have news for you: You’re broke too. Remember?

TAURUS: Oh, shit! Crock-pot weather again already? You made enough Hamburger Soup for five people, but in all likelihood, you probably only have one other person in mind when it comes to sharing. You’ll be wanting to share everything with whoever you’ve dragged back to your cozy little cave for this week’s long winter: blankets, baths, and bodily fluids being only the most obvious. The recent full moon in your sign makes others more receptive to doing what you want, which is pretty much nothing–in the best possible way. One word of advice: stock up on some candles. If you’ve snared a more lively sign than yours, they’ll want something to look at while you elevate eating, sleeping, and cuddling to a level one would almost describe as artful.

GEMINI: You’re not actually crazy, Mercury’s just retrograde… again. Being ruled by Mercury makes you suffer through these periods more than most. You lose stuff, forget to respond to important emails, trip on cracks in the sidewalk, and get drunk enough to call up every one of your exes to retroactively complain about their bad habits. Your plans all end up in ridiculous scenarios that make you certain that if God doesn’t actively hate you, he definitely thinks you’re real funny. At least now you know that there’s a reason for it: Mercury likes to switch it up go backwards a few times a year, fucking everyone’s month up. You should maybe meditate on this as a metaphor for your life or something, because your friends are all probably sick of you, too. The good news is that Mercury goes direct next week and things should start leveling out again.

CANCER: Your love life is supposedly awesome this month, or at least has the potential to be–so I’m not too concerned with the external trappings of whatever romantic situation you’re in right now, Cancer. What I am concerned with is the way you deal with it. For love to exist in its healthiest, most rewarding state, both partners must accept individual responsibility for their own happiness, their own growth, and their own reactions to each other. This month, your relationship will be more fulfilling when you fulfill yourself. You are loved, there’s no doubt about that. But what else do you need? Eat both hits of the acid that have been lying around in your kitchen drawer for the past six months and find out.

LEO: You’ve been handling your career with your usual panache, Leo–making friends and influencing people, flossing it out at all the right parties, making your lists and checking them twice–but this month, your family will tap you on the shoulder with a friendly reminder that they require your attention, too, damn it. Remember them? The people that not only gave you life, but then shared their lives with you, too…? No one’s trying to compromise the big kid pants you’ve been wearing more and more often lately. They just want to see your pretty face every so often. No, you don’t get paid for the hours you clock in on the family time card. But you do get a healthy reminder that you didn’t spring out of your job’s forehead fully formed–something you need right now, even if you don’t realize it.

VIRGO: Does your version of a vacation tend to resemble a day in the life of a robot on crack? Do you look at your friends blankly when they ask, “how do you do it all?” in regards to your hectic schedule because you can’t imagine not “doing it all?” Does the idea of inactivity send you scrambling for the thank-you notes? Well, unfasten your seatbelt, because you’re about to embark on a strange journey that yields a new set of skills you’ve always wanted to acquire: maxin’ and relaxin’. I suggest that in the coming week, you devote as much time as possible mastering these two concepts. If you have to make a list of something, make a list of the excuses you’ll give people next week for not giving a flying you-know-what about what they wanted from you this week. Meanwhile, hang out with Taurus. Better yet, make out with Taurus. While stoned. That’s exactly where you want to be this week.

LIBRA: Apparently, the stars are saying that you have some sort of secret admirer. I think this is ridiculous on several different levels. First of all, you’re a Libra and you always have a few of these floating around. Second of all, you’re a Libra and you probably wouldn’t be 100% convinced that someone admired you unless they walked up, grabbed part of your anatomy, and declared loudly, “I want you like I want a winning lottery ticket.” So I’m going to spin it this way: Stuff you are oblivious to is going on all the time. To paraphrase comedian Jack Handey, you tend to get all caught up in considering the daffodil, while someone is over there, going through your stuff. Your job this week is to pay attention to the subtleties of the world. Not even because your secret admirer is going to turn out to be anything particularly great. Just because you need the practice.

SCORPIO: What’s the good word, my shady and oversexed little birthday boys and girls? Did you get to be Dracula for Halloween again? Someone make you a cupcake with a pentagram or something and drip hot candle wax on your nipples while desperately trying to figure out the “real” you? Ohhhhh, no wonder you’re all smiley. It’s not surprising, considering that this is your time… down here. Hail Satan safely this year, guys, and don’t forget to bring your inhaler along.

SAGITTARIUS: The month of November for Sag has been likened to the dressing room before the party, kind of a cosmic version of that scene in West Side Story where “Something’s Coming,” but hasn’t yet. You’re feeling it this week, as the sense of mounting excitement loose in the universe makes you long to jump off your couch all half-cocked and go chase it down. But keep it zen for now, Sag. Sit on your hands if you have to. Better yet, use this time to paint your nails, trim your facial hair, or spend extra time in the gym making sure you’ll look good for whatever trouble you’ll get into soon enough. I know, I know, it’s worse than waiting for a plugged E pill to kick in. Calm your haunches, though, child, and stock up on some Vick’s Vapo-Rub and menthol cigarettes for when it hits, because it’s supposed to hit big this year.

CAPRICORN: That is absolutely filthy. You’d better go run a few laps or something.

AQUARIUS: Someone in your life is being a real pain in the tail, aren’t they? I feel like they’re not doing it on purpose–which is the whole reason they will irritate you this week, Aquarius. Getting along with everyone and their dogs is one of your talents, but this person will stubbornly persist in making you hate them until you are forced to put a stop to it. Don’t expect the nerve-grating anger you feel at this encounter to be anything rational, or whatsoever in proportion to what is causing it. It’s not actually them this time, it’s you. This is the world’s way of balancing out all of those gross Pollyanna tendencies in your character that make the rest of us want to puke. Don’t sweat it, though, you’ll be able to find the silver lining with your usual speed and ease.

PISCES: Are the rolling waves of golden-hued fog you experience this week the call of the four planets currently in your house of distant travel, or are you just partied out again? The answer to that question, Pisces, is entirely up to you. I suggest you drink a cup of strong coffee and consult a world map. Where do you want to go? Dream big, then dream bigger. You have everything you need this week to make it all happen. There’s even a chance that the opportunity to learn more about travel and distant lands will come to you, as the stars strongly predict a steady onslaught of all things “foreign” in your life right now. Are you going to content yourself with drinking a few bottles imported wine in one sitting, or will you go for an exotic experience a bit more substantial?


One thought on “Daily Miltonian is Jump-Up-And-Down Giddy and Beaming-Smile Proud To Introduce Our Latest Feature: Horoscopes by Loren!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s