Dear Crooks: I am recently single in Philadelphia. What do I do?
First off, celebrate; you managed to avoid yet another close call into the pitfall we know as the committed relationship. Welcome to the 21st century, we’ve been waiting for you.
These days, with the media’s portrayal of relationships brainwashing us and feeding our paranoia, it’s a wonder to me that anyone can still stomach these “relationships” in this day and age. I have a few tips that will help you both get over your recently lost “love”, and move on into the Philadelphia single scene.
1. Block your pathetic self from viewing his/her myspace page. Let’s face, you can’t control yourself, you’re weak, you love torturing you face with daily visits to their page. Who’s that in the top 8? The answer: Who fucks cares? Block that shit. Looking at that profile is unhealthy and will only drive you mad
Open the host file in a text editor (in XP it’s here)
add the line
127.0.0.1 myspace.com/#username# (add the profile page of your stupid ex.)
2. Use the city. You live in Philadelphia, take advantage of it. Do you feel alone? Walk around Center City, it’s a gigantic party, and you can’t be alone if your surrounded by thousands of people. This will help you realize that the world will go on, people still live their lives, nothing has changed and nobody cares about what you are going through. Talk to strangers, but at the very least just get out and walk, mope even, I don’t care, it will still work and you’ll feel better after the first day.
3. Re-establish the relationships you put on hold while you were a domesticated idiot in a relationship. Take this opportunity to enjoy the company of your single friends that you’ve been ignoring for the past year.
4. Cut out the coffee. It causes anxiety. Do you really want to be all jacked up with your thoughts in a spiral of “who are they fucking now” paranoia? No, so dump your grinds down the toilet and pick up some yerba mate. It has all the same wonderful properties as coffee but it won’t leave you agitated and anxious.
5. Ignore him/her. Do not contact them in anyway for at least the first month. Give yourself and they time to heal. Keeping a line of communication between you two will only delay the inevitable pain, and usually compounds the damage done.
6. Exercise: You’re gonna loose 10 pounds from the break up diet because your jaw is too weak with depression to even chew, but guess what? That’s gonna be more muscle than fat that you shed, so now you look like an Aids patient. Work out and build muscle, even if you’ve never had any before. The next time you see the ex you have to look better than you ever have.
7. Take up hobbies or projects. If you haven’t done this by the next time you run into the ex, make it up. Invent sports, lie about a marathon you won. Say you’re going to law school.
8. Bang bang bang, without discretion. For the first 5 weeks following the break up, you need to wash that taste out of your mouth. The only way I know how is through a revolving door of new bed partners. Dip into the reserves, (old old exes) or pick up some new recruits. Either way you need to start banging again.
Got a question for Crooks? Contact your new guru through firstname.lastname@example.org and he’ll solve your problems in no time flat. Nice save, Crooks!